Is Anybody Out There?

Before I had this page people used to tell me "You should write a blog!" and I would usually say "I wouldn't even know what to write about!", but what I really meant was I doubt anyone would read it anyway.

Like a lot of writers I know, I am constantly wondering if what I put on the page is good enough, if people will like it, will anyone even read it?

Whether a byproduct of low self esteem or a sort of paranoia, these questions have often led to things being thrown away or deleted. I had to make it a rule not to get rid of things without going back to them another day and looking at them with fresh eyes. I have heard other writers say that they have fished something out of their saved folder years later and it became one of their best works. Even Stephen King threw away Carrie and his wife saved it from the garbage can.

Let's face it, submitting your writing can come with a ton of rejection. It takes courage to send your cherished words that you have labored over for hours, sometimes years, out into the world for the approval of others and for most of us that courage has to be found after struggling with accepting it ourselves.

Recently I approached my editor about something that I was writing and said here's the brief concept, what do you think? He seemed skeptical and I back peddled. I almost trashed it right there. Being good at what he does, he said tell me more about it and drew the outline out of me. He didn't say oh that sounds great, yes let's do it! But, he did say send it to me.

I sat on it for weeks. The submissions deadline loomed closer and I thought, maybe I should send something else, something safer. What if this isn't good enough or it's too out there for people. What if my editor was just being nice? Would he just be humoring me to get me to go away? I had visions of being patted on the head and told I was doing good while it was secretly tossed in the trash.

I finally sent it anyway. I choked down the doubts and fears, convinced myself that it would be ok if he hated it and I could always send the other piece if this one was rejected.

Sometimes after you send things out the waiting is months and months. Everyday you wonder if they are reading it, loving it, hating it. It's like you are standing there expecting and waiting for your soul to be crushed. And, lets face it, more often than not you either hear nothing or hear no thanks.

If you are lucky, the no thanks at least comes with a critique. They call it free advice, but that stuff is paid for in sweat and tears. Hopefully they tell you what's good and not just what needs changed or improved.

The worst, though, is when you hurl them out into space and nothing ever comes back to you. It feels a bit like a comic standing in the spotlight at the center of the stage, having just told his best joke and no one is laughing. The bright light blinds you so you can't even see if anyone is listening, and you hear nothing but silence so you ask "Hello? Is anybody out there? Can you hear me? Is this thing on?" and tap the mic getting that hollow sound followed by the squeal of feedback.

In reality, I have been lucky. The first piece that I submitted was accepted for publication. My editor actually did like the one I sent him, not only setting it for publication in possibly February, but including a compliment that I thrived on for weeks.

But what about the ones that aren't?

I will be honest, I fear the day when the nos outweigh the yeses. I don't know how I will respond.

I think you have to ask yourself why you write. Who do you write for? When you write seeking approval, when you change things to have your story be liked, where is the line in how far before it becomes not yours?

Of course edits will happen and things will be altered from their original draft, don't get me wrong that is part of the process. Just guard against changing just to be liked and losing yourself.

I write all this wondering if anyone even reads this. I hope you do.

Hey, Is this thing on?